I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
