there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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