I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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