All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
