I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
