i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
