Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
