I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize