So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
