ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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