I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The power of my boobs compel you
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize