i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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