ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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