someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
