I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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