oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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