Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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