I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Use "feeling words"
Yay
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
