Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
