i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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