i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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