I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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