What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sarcasm needs its own font
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
