It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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