nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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