haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
