I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So much Jack, so little girl.
Randomize
