TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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