Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
