apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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