How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
