I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize