tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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