She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
