I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
