I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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