i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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