Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
