My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
