Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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