sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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