Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
