Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize