If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
