tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
