Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
