even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
