remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
