I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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