I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
