Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
