every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
