Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
