I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize