whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
