My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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