u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
